A Females Journey from the Heart
This is the story of my journey through girlhood, womanhood and motherhood and the powerful decisions concerning by body.
Like most girls, the onset of my period was one of excitement, confusion and a new understanding of my body and how it worked. I started my period at 10 1/2 , much too young for a girl who was used to being a tomboy. I was startled by the mere fact that I had to grow up. I now had to take on a new responsibility with my maturing body. My periods were about six days in length and regular. I came from the time era of those horrendous Kotex panty belts. When I saw that at 10 ? I was scared to death. I was relieved when the peel and stick Kotex came out and made my life so much more bearable. I truly thought that all I had to worry about with my period was what was the best Kotex and most comfortable tampons on the market. For some reason, I thought my period could only get better with aging. Boy was I in for a shock.
In 1985, at 22, I met the man of my dreams, fell in love and was married at 24 and by the time I was 25, my husband David and I started talking about kids. Then, during my yearly examination up with a female gynecologist, she mentioned that she felt a rather large fibroid tumor. I was instantly up on my elbows questioning her. I was so afraid and felt so alone. My mother had the same female gynecologist and she had a hysterectomy at the young age of 33. I had come in to get a clean bill of health to start a family and instead, this doctor told me it was very unlikely that I would ever conceive or carry a baby. Needless to say, I was numb and I left the office with tears streaming down my face. I felt so sure of what my body could do, and having kids in my future with my husband was somehow part of that. I somehow felt that all my dreams were shattered. An ultrasound confirmed the doctor’s findings… I did have enlarged fibroids, yet this didn’t stop me from my positive thought process: “Okay, I just need to put one foot forward and not let just one doctor’s opinion stop me from pursuing my dreams.”
David and I moved to a new town and we decided to put this fibroid thing to rest and simply enjoy each other and our marriage. We stopped doing the rhythm and calendar method and I just tried to get pregnant over the next nine or ten months. I was starting to go crazy thinking maybe that doctor was right… That I just couldn’t get pregnant. My poor husband had to put up with a lot. I was unbearable to live with and I was very obsessed with wanting what I couldn’t seem to have. Everywhere I would go, I would see women with their little bundles of joy and my arms were empty. I had trusted my body all these years. I really thought it was supposed to be easy.
One morning I woke up and realized that I couldn’t let this ruin my life. I needed answers and to take one day at a time. I tried to put the whole baby thing out of my head, even when most of my girlfriends were pregnant or had babies. This was especially difficult for me because I had built a career working with children and with a degree in early childhood, I had always thought I would be a mother. Making things worse, one of my girlfriends had known that we were trying to get pregnant and she succeeded on the first try. Talk about fertile Myrtle! I just got so mad. I could have kicked her in the teeth. Complete envy was brewing inside me.
